The Only One Colon Movement
A Public Service Announcement from the Magic Capital of the World
America is home to many beautiful places…
but only one of them should be named Colon.
Why?
Because more than one Colon in a single nation is a crappy situation.
Colon, Michigan- already the Magic Capital of the World- is proud to be the largest Colon in the United States (population 1,199). Logic, dignity, and basic anatomical symbolism suggest that we should remain the one and only true Colon in America.
Therefore, we respectfully and humorously extend this request:
All other Colons- please accept your newly assigned punctuation identities. We don’t choose our marks; our marks choose us.
Not a demotion.
Simply a better fit for your natural punctuation energy.
Click here to read the Colon Doctrine and the formal letters to Colon, Nebraska and Colon, North Carolina.
Why This Matters
Multiple Colons create a mess.
One Colon keeps the country regular.
It’s simple science.
Or geography.
Or punctuation. Maybe anatomy.
We’re still sorting that part out.
Questions That Are Regular
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No.
And also sort of yes, but mostly no.
But also, if you think about it, maybe yes. -
Yes. The other Colons are smaller and have therefore been assigned their appropriate punctuation identities-Semi-Colon, Pilcrow, or otherwise- per the Colon Doctrine of 2026. The process was highly scientific and also completely made up.
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Because multiple Colons don’t prevent problems—
they just guarantee confusion over which direction things are supposed to go.Geographically speaking, of course.
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It might be, I feel a little something in my belly…
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We have reached out to them with kindness, respect, and a firm belief that America benefits from a simpler, cleaner, more regular map. And that it is obvious that we are the one true Colon.
We await their response.
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Clarity.
Continuity.
Regularity.
And the satisfaction of knowing that when someone says “Colon,” they mean our Colon-
the Magic Capital of the World. -
No.
But we are willing to serve in an advisory capacity if called upon by the Department of Geography or the FDA. -
Visit Colon, Michigan.
See a magic show.
Hire BJ Mallen to speak or entertain for your organization.
Watch your punctuation.
Buy an Official Colon Stool Sample
Buy one of BJ’s books for a kid in your life. (at what point does this become shameless…)
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Yes.
They know a crappy situation when they see one and want this confusion wiped clean as much as adults. -
BJ Mallen- magician, author, and self-proclaimed Envoy of the One True Colon.
Click Here To Learn More About BJ Mallen
And if you'd like to see what he actually does when he's not issuing national Colon directives, you may proceed below.
You'll be able to choose the path that best fits what you're interested in.